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Our FAQ - Questions and Answers
Why is this FAQ here? While we discussed
and agreed that we don't want to turn our wedding into a
political statement,
we also recognize that friends, family and loved ones may not be familiar or
comfortable
with the issue of same-sex marriage. We also recognize that many of you may have
questions
or concerns that you are hesitant or unsure how to ask. We want you to share our
special
day and be comfortable and certain that this is a day for joy and celebration.
We also want to assure
you that there probably aren't any questions we haven't
heard before - the list below is just a few of
the more commonly asked ones
- and if you do have questions or concerns, by all means please
come and speak
to us about them. We won't be offended. More, we would be happy to know that
you
feel close enough to us that you can discuss things openly and share your thoughts
and feelings
with us - as we're sharing our wedding celebration with you. Perhaps
you'll find your private thoughts
and questions addressed below, perhaps you
won't, but either way, remember that what is important
to us is that you feel
comfortable and that you don't have worries or reservations that you are unsure
about
bringing to us to answer. And above it all, thank you for sharing this special
day with us and
thank you for your love, support and for each and every attempt
to understand and be part of this
commitment and ceremony.
- Lori
1. What's the big deal about
same-sex marriage anyway?
2. Is this like a real wedding?
3.
Who's the groom (boy) and who's the bride (girl)?
4. Isn't
marriage for a man and a woman?
5. Why do you need to get
married?
6. Aren't you worried about what people will think?
7.
Is this any good for Damien?
8. When
did you decide you were gay?
9. Why are you
changing your names so dramatically?
1. What's the big deal about same-sex marriage anyway?
The big deal
is about equal rights and protections under the law. Marriage affords over 1400
rights
to married heterosexual couples that same-sex couples have been denied
until recently; rights that
cover everything from hospital visits and medical
decisions to financial and property arrangements to
wills, insurance and tax
laws. If a same-sex couple has been together for 10 years in a stable, committed
relationship and an opposite-sex couples meets and marries in 10 days, the
opposite-sex couple is given
access to all of those rights and privileges
the minute they sign the marriage license and say "I do". The
same-sex
couple won't be allowed that even after 20, 30 or 50 years together, and that's
not fair. Letting
same-sex couples legally marry simply evens out the rights
across society - it's not about religion, it's
about justice and democracy!
2. Is this like a real wedding?
When I hear people ask if this is
a real wedding or a real marriage, it makes me sad. I've decided to
commit
my life to the partner I love - what's more real than that? Is it less real then
Britney Spears 3-day
marriage because we're two women? We have had a wonderful,
dedicated 10 years of close friendship,
shared joy, sorrow, love, loss and
all the things that cement lives together. We've cared for each other
through
illnesses and tragedies, and shared some of our deepest joys and accomplishments.
We've
given and taken each other's best and worst and our bond and commitment
are no less strong for it.
We've stood against mockery and discrimination,
insulting comments and condescending judgments,
but we found our strength
and hope in each other. If this relationship isn't the basis for a real marriage,
then I can't imagine what is.
3. Who's the groom (boy) and who's the bride (girl)?
Ah, yes, the
age-old question - who's the boy and who's the girl… Gay couples are always
hearing this,
sparked by everything from honest curiosity to malicious sarcasm.
In
this day and age, women hold corporate roles, men are housekeepers, single parents
run their families
- the traditional roles of the 50's and 60's are all but
extinct in America - it's the age of the alternative
family. So why does this
matter to people? And yet, it still does. People want to know how we refer to
each other - as partners? Lovers? Spouses? Wife and wife? I suppose it is
a natural curiosity to wonder
about something unfamiliar to you, but could
you for a minute imagine being asked such a question?
Who wears the pants
in your marriage? It's a very sexist viewpoint, isn't it.
That being said,
I also suppose it does no harm to give an answer, either. We are best friends
and
committed partners who each bring to the relationship our unique personalities,
abilities, talents and
opinions. If you want to understand our roles better,
get to know us. But, if you must know,
she usually cooks dinner and I usually
take out the trash.
4. Isn't marriage for a man and a woman?
Marriage is a commitment and
a declaration of devotion between people who love each other and want
to spend
their lives growing old together. It is a legally binding contract to take care
of and be responsible
for each other through good and bad. It is a promise
of companionship and camaraderie, and an expression
of love and trust in the
one person you turn to before all others in the world.
I don't see anything
in there that requires gender specifications, do you? Who is your best friend?
I am marrying mine.
5. Why do you need to get married?
Because we love each other and, like
all people in love, we want to declare our commitment and share
our joy with
our friends and love ones. I can't think of a better reason.
6. Aren't you worried about what people will think?
I'd like to
say, hell no! I don't care what people think, but that's not entirely true. Intolerant
comments
still wound and nasty looks and bigots screaming ugly things will
always hurt. Even unintentional insults
and thoughtless comments from those
who don't mean to hurt still cut deep. But anyone who's walked
this path and
openly declared who they were has learned a measure of courage and grown a pretty
thick
skin. I don't care what people think, but I do care what people say
- though I will rarely give them the
satisfaction of knowing it. And while
that may sound a bit jaded or even bitter, I wish everyone who was
of the
opinion that "we" make too much fuss could walk in our shoes for a little
while. For everyone who
thinks the politics and vocal protests are tiresome,
I would ask how many times have you had hateful,
bigoted comments made to
your face? Have you been screamed at in parking lots, run out of public
restrooms,
refused entry or told it was preferred you leave? For as many steps as we've taken
towards
gaining mainstream acceptance, those who hate us have taken an equal
number of steps against us and
there is still a strong counter-culture of
bigotry, hatred and violence. It's not a simple path, but it's our
path, and
we'll make it just fine.
7. Is this any good for Damien?
How could giving any child a larger
family that loves and cares for them ever be a bad thing? Would it
be any
better to set an example of living with someone for years without making a commitment,
without
showing them an example of the kindness and compassion that can exist
between two people who love
and care for each other? Love is never a bad example,
commitment is never a bad thing to teach, and
there is more to learn from
seeing a positive, happy relationship then there ever will be from seeing
warring
parents who are not happy with each other or who stay together for the kid's sake.
Not that
I mean to say that Damien is in an unhappy household, because he has
had dedicated and loving
parents his entire life. But Tia is also a large part
of his life and they have a wonderful relationship,
and anyone who could see
this as a negative or bad influence is only seeing prejudice, not reality.
8. When did you decide you were gay?
Ask God - I think it was up
to the divine, really. I don't recall making an active decision, I only recall
no longer being able to stand trying to be something I really wasn't and finding
an immense sense of
relief at not having to fit into someone else's ideals,
roles and models anymore. I remember quite well
when I decided to TELL people,
but that isn't the same thing. That doesn't mean I suddenly decided
right
then and there - it means I finally stopped being afraid of who I was and what
condemnation
would be attached to it.
The hardest and easiest person in
the world to tell was my wonderful mother. I wanted her to know
in the worst
way, and wanted her to understand me and know all about me - but at the same time
I
was utterly terrified, of anger, rejection, lots of things. And, as always,
I truly underestimated what
an amazing person she is, because she has been
very understanding, tolerant, accepting and hasn't
stopped loving me for one
moment. So I am both blessed and fortunate to have her in my life, and
to
have her open her heart and her home to the woman I love as well.