BLOG ENTRY FIFTEEN
Wed August 14th, 2008
Blog 15: Update on Tia for August 13, 2008
8/14/08 12:42 am

Blog 15: Update on Tia for August 13, 2008

There is not a great deal of news to report for today, but there are significant elements of our situation.

First, a culture was returned today with indication of infection, which could be the start of a pneumonia.
They have begun an antibiotic series to kill it before it really gets rooted, so now we'll have to watch for
signs of fever or more decreased lung function. However, being watchful and catching it early bodes
well for it being dealt with quickly.

Second, our well-loved nurse Jillian bent the rules a bit for us, though she warned us that most of the
other nurses on the floor won't allow the same exception and it wasn't going to be very common that
she might be able to either - but what she did was let us come in when she turned off the sedative
and woke her up a bit for her regular neural exam.

We actually got to see her respond to things like 'squeeze my hand', 'wiggle your toes', 'move your legs
and arms', and 'open your eyes'. We were able to talk to her and get some responses, such as her
squeezing our hands to let us know she heard us. When Randi was talking to her and telling Tia
that she loved her, she actually got a tear in one eye, which was extremely moving.

The down side, which I talked about with Jillian, was watching her struggle to try to see us, and to
try desperately to talk (which is impossible with the tube), and to try to get her hands to the tube to
pull it out. She even pushed herself over a bit to get her head closer to her tied hands - and while
it was such a strong relief to see her able to respond and not just hear the nurse report that her neural
tests were going well, it was also incredibly hard and emotionally devastating to see her struggle
like that and to see how much pain she was obviously in.

We could also see, when she opened her eyes, the extent of the damage and the lack of ability to
focus. Her eyes are tracking in slightly different directions, and she can't really focus on anything.
She mostly stares up, with little to no side to side movement, but Jillian swears that in a earlier test
she was able to track finger movements, and answer when fingers were still, wiggling, held up,
etc. I believe her, and I believe when she says that this is fantastic improvement and everything is
coming along great ... but in my mind I see her before the hospital and all I can do is cry. I told
Jillian that I was grateful for letting us in there like that, but that I don't think I can do that again, and
I have to wait until the tube is out and the sedative completely off before I'm ready to deal with
that again. It was just ... really hard ... really heartbreaking ... and I feel so helpless and so
tired seeing her like that, and I just can't shake the hopelessness of wondering how she is ever
going to come back from that horror. I just want her back, and today really got to me badly.
Today I cried several times and I think I'm going to be crying a lot more as things go forward and
I have to watch all the struggles she has on the very long road back.

I think I need a stress break soon - I have to do something outside the box.

* Current Mood: depressed

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